Today I looked back through my (handwritten) spiritual journal at the entries I wrote in February 2012, when I was attending church and planning to be baptised and actually become a Christian. Since then, as for years before then, I’ve bounced around between several different religions, unable to settle on one for any number of reasons.
But what struck me about those entries was how different they were from the rest of the entries in the journal. Most of the rest are pretty frustrated, always commenting on what’s difficult or annoying or impossible about this or that religious tradition and why it’s hard for me to embrace it. The ones from February, on the other hand, are pretty joyful, confident, even sometimes exultant. They speak of faith rather than frustration. Judging from those entries, that was the time of the best relationship with religion, faith, and God I’ve ever had.
What I can’t figure out is why it fell apart after the month of February. I’m working on that.